Happy Mother’s Day

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To the very being who made us
The one who gave us our smiles and wiped our tears, time and time again.
This is a day we all come together
To make you feel loved, to tell you that
You are loved

Mum, I don’t have you with me but your love is my hug that wraps around my heart and soul.
You are my beacon that I walk towards
When I stumble and fall as a mum.

Let me thank you for all the things I
Forget to tell you, Thank you
And, for the love I never even asked but got, I love you mum ­čĺľ

Whatever you want to be

Everyday of my teenage life, I have dreaded this one phrase, “what do you want to be”.┬á

I never knew, I never realised and never thought that there are social and familial obligations to what I have to be – to what I should be, a good person. I had then decided, I would never ask anyone the same question, ever again. I had no clue I would be married or would have a family, let alone be sitting here and be writing about all this. I just was so frustrated and annoyed that the communal behaviour of Indian parents, relatives, strangers and whoever you met asked the same thing, what do you want to be.

Now, I just couldn’t blurt out my feelings or aspirations or dreams, mind you I had to tread very very carefully. I had to be very clear and concise and say I am going to be a Doctor. Ok, now that dealt with comes the next barrage of questions, Doctor of what??? Not just GP, but some specialisation and some post grad…

I am not a doctor. I wanted to be but I am not. What I am now, is a mother.

And, after all the turmoil I have been through and was put under for not being one- yep, I am clearly a failure and disappointment! This is something that’s going to go to my parent’s graves and mine, if allowed. I have resolved and thought about not putting the same kind of expectation of my kids as to what I have been through. The society hasn’t changed much, family connections haven’t progressed much and personal expectations also haven’t deviated much.

The only thing that has actively changed is, I have stopped asking. Just my guidance towards making them a better individuals, considerate and compassionate being a must, that I am going to trust them to make their own way. Children cannot┬ádecide, that’s why parents or teachers or guidance counselors are there. What has changed is, as how we ask them and what pressure we subject them to with all this. And, we shall guide them to be what they want to be. If they change their decision, well, so be it. At least they tried.

Thanks to the amount of today’s world in their face constantly (social media and such), they are already being practical in wanting to be what they want to be. And, there are going to be struggles and obstacles – we will get through them too.
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Doing the right thing

Have you wondered if it’s going to be one of those days, just that niggling feeling. It’s not like you are waiting for it to happen, but, its going to be that day, again. We all go through these myriad emotions, that slowly take over our practical behaviour and makes it an emotional one – on purpose. Nothing wrong in being emotional, we are humans after all.

I have these guidelines I am told to follow, as how I am supposed to be behaving, so on and so forth. Like a mum, yep, I know. Be responsible, sensible, mature… I am surprised as how well I do this, I guess after two kids, it’s a given. But my real behaviour is lost, somewhere inside of me. I do a lot of mum stuff, wife stuff, sibling stuff, you know, the general things we do – and then, I am not doing “my stuff”. I am worried that “I” might but in and spoil the good thing that is going on here.

Everyday we are so caught up in doing the right stuff, we stumble and fall and then we carry on as if as we all are following a strict guideline of – do this and do that. I know all of us have been here, some of us are still here, even now. I am a very good mum or I try my best to be one. I care, I nourish and I cherish, same as the others do. But my roots are different though, my culture taught me different – as to respect our elders and how we have to behave, as what we did and what we had to do, period.

Funny how that communal upbringing has a more conservative hold on me when I am trying everything to do things differently now. I left India when my daughter was a few months old, and since these ┬ápast 18yrs, I am trying very hard not to be the same conservative, close minded, opinionated mum. I have read books, articles anything and everything to do the right thing by my kids, their choices, their freedom and their independence – all in the right context. Its been a journey, a very interesting and turbulent one at times and I like to think I am an expert and hope I am not wrong.

And between all this now, guess who is making an entry into this structure, me. Not the mum, just me. I feel after all these years, I should be able to voice my thoughts and tell them as how things are different to what they are used to. I can’t blame them, they are confused as they are feeling they don’t fit in my way of thinking as I had a different upbringing to theirs, fair enough, but, I am not bad or weird either. The things I learnt, I respected do not have a bad impression or impact on how I behave in society. I am a well-respected, talented and fun-loving person who does everything to support my family. I am not just a mum.

I work in a corporate world with some young adults (fresh out of high school and uni students) and I think, will my kids be the same as them. I face a much more practical future with my kids who might turn out to be the different adults to the ones I wish them to be. After all the basic foundation of do good, be good, will they be that! I honestly don’t know. If I don’t voice my thoughts about these, will it not be my fault. I am confused and hence my worry.

Worries and doubts like these take root in a very normal day and grow into a festering emotional day. I so hope this will be just a battle for me to fight mentally and not into something I do with my kids. They are very loving and good kids, I have done a good job with them. I should just trust them to do the right thing when their time comes. I am not hoping to win any awards for Mother of the Year or anything, just that they remember that I fight a constant battle with my self to do the right thing – for them.