Have you wondered if it’s going to be one of those days, just that niggling feeling. It’s not like you are waiting for it to happen, but, its going to be that day, again. We all go through these myriad emotions, that slowly take over our practical behaviour and makes it an emotional one – on purpose. Nothing wrong in being emotional, we are humans after all.
I have these guidelines I am told to follow, as how I am supposed to be behaving, so on and so forth. Like a mum, yep, I know. Be responsible, sensible, mature… I am surprised as how well I do this, I guess after two kids, it’s a given. But my real behaviour is lost, somewhere inside of me. I do a lot of mum stuff, wife stuff, sibling stuff, you know, the general things we do – and then, I am not doing “my stuff”. I am worried that “I” might but in and spoil the good thing that is going on here.
Everyday we are so caught up in doing the right stuff, we stumble and fall and then we carry on as if as we all are following a strict guideline of – do this and do that. I know all of us have been here, some of us are still here, even now. I am a very good mum or I try my best to be one. I care, I nourish and I cherish, same as the others do. But my roots are different though, my culture taught me different – as to respect our elders and how we have to behave, as what we did and what we had to do, period.
Funny how that communal upbringing has a more conservative hold on me when I am trying everything to do things differently now. I left India when my daughter was a few months old, and since these past 18yrs, I am trying very hard not to be the same conservative, close minded, opinionated mum. I have read books, articles anything and everything to do the right thing by my kids, their choices, their freedom and their independence – all in the right context. Its been a journey, a very interesting and turbulent one at times and I like to think I am an expert and hope I am not wrong.
And between all this now, guess who is making an entry into this structure, me. Not the mum, just me. I feel after all these years, I should be able to voice my thoughts and tell them as how things are different to what they are used to. I can’t blame them, they are confused as they are feeling they don’t fit in my way of thinking as I had a different upbringing to theirs, fair enough, but, I am not bad or weird either. The things I learnt, I respected do not have a bad impression or impact on how I behave in society. I am a well-respected, talented and fun-loving person who does everything to support my family. I am not just a mum.
I work in a corporate world with some young adults (fresh out of high school and uni students) and I think, will my kids be the same as them. I face a much more practical future with my kids who might turn out to be the different adults to the ones I wish them to be. After all the basic foundation of do good, be good, will they be that! I honestly don’t know. If I don’t voice my thoughts about these, will it not be my fault. I am confused and hence my worry.
Worries and doubts like these take root in a very normal day and grow into a festering emotional day. I so hope this will be just a battle for me to fight mentally and not into something I do with my kids. They are very loving and good kids, I have done a good job with them. I should just trust them to do the right thing when their time comes. I am not hoping to win any awards for Mother of the Year or anything, just that they remember that I fight a constant battle with my self to do the right thing – for them.