Yesterday is…

  
When you open your eyes in the morning, you don’t realise that you have no idea as how the next 24hrs will be. You plan, you decide, you expect how it should be or how it’s going to be, but, you don’t know how it will turn out to be. You can mark your daily schedules, plan meetings and make arrangements and still you can’t tell how it will be panning out. 

Some months ago, I wasn’t standing where I am now, never thought I might make it till yesterday and yet, I have. It’s not a day to day point of living like most normally think or talk about. You read about it somewhere, come across so many instances and you think, may be she could have done it different, she doesn’t have it tough enough to be thinking it’s all doom and gloom, but, just hear me out. She does have it tough. She always knew she had it tough. She just couldn’t handle the things when they were getting tough. You just didn’t know about it.

You bend, you mould, you adjust, you pick up and then you go on. My yesterday if anything to go by, was a pleasant change: it changed what I knew I was capable of, it changed what I am aware of and also what else it can be like.  I am wondering if this is how I changed all my yesterdays,  all of those difficult and not so difficult ones. I am not saying no one helped me but I stood by me too.

It’s ok if it’s not all colourful or exciting like the carnival nights at night. It’s also ok if it’s not sparking like the tiny bubbles in the champange glass or the fresh dewy morning of the day. For me, right now It’s like the small but ever blinking million stars in the sky. Some days it glows and blinks, some days it hides under the clouds. But, it still is there, ever present. That’s my kind of strength.

That’s been here all along, it was there yesterday too. I just walked on not knowing I had it. I am not sure if I picked it up or it picked me up, but, knowing I have it makes me realise that the next 24hrs can be anything it can be, I am ok for it. I will not be afraid to plan or hope about it, I will not feel sad that I wasn’t sure about it, I will just be. 

Like the leaves of yesterday that whither and fall away, let any doubts fall away. There is always a new day, a new leaf, a new start. Let yesterday be just that, yesterday. We still have today and tomorrow. 

Stumble and fall, yes and then…

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Many months I have been on a path that has let me go on and on. Just as aimlessly as this train of thought is, my days were just as normal, regular, weird but going on. I never waited to see if I reached my destination, or if at all I was at the designated place I was meant to be. I am standing in a place which I am not sure if many have visited or just passed by, but, I am there right now thinking, should I move on or just stay in the moment.

How many times have we come across the saying ‘be in the moment’!  Is that even really true? Could you just stay in it without any extra baggage at all. Have we really surpassed our inner and forever know it all being? I am a very complicated person, or, so my loved ones think. How complicated can I be? I am looking very hard in all directions to see if I really do confuse or confound everyone I am around it. Nah… not really, I am just plain old, funny or aggravating me. A bit of temper, a dash of laughter and a whole lot of trust. That’s all I am, maybe a bit of irritating arrogance of wanting to be there for everyone. Yes, what a load of… whatever.

I remember bits and pieces of my past self, the younger cockier and self assured self. I have, as many of you, faced a huge amount of restrictions and obstacles, I tripped, I fell, I got up and fell again. Time and time again. As we evolved, we learnt that fittest do survive or they do perish, eventually. No body bothered to say what happens to the ones that are there in between the lengthy time they take to perish, not a one. Not our parents, our teachers or our peers. Yes, they do mention in one word though, No!

No, what? No, they don’t know, No, they don’t want us to be the ones going through a pain they went through, or No, they said it to end the topic. No what…?

Life is funny in that way, it doesn’t come with a how to book, but we do what others tell us to. We are very adaptable in that way to follow the same things if we like them or do as we please because we don’t! Funny us humans. I am in the same wagon as the many scores around us are in, same thing over and over again. Today is a good day, so, let me start the day by being all this perky, optimistic person and get on with things and the days I don’t feel like it or have a clue, still run around as if I am all that and more. What is happening here?

Yes, I have tripped, I said it. Now what… Should I seek help to correct my constant tripping and move on. Okay, let me do that but before I head there, what do I do now. I am really not sure if I want to seek help just yet, I want to wait and see if things will pan out or ease out by themselves before I let the force to change this thinking.

I am not saying I don’t need help either, but, to ask for that particular assistance I haven’t yet found the need to even look up and see if anyone around me is trying or looking at me – to help me wherever I am ‘in’ now. You see, they can’t tell where I am right now, I have not shown any indication that I am down, I mean, that I have tripped at all, yet again. The moment is just like the numerous ones before, the falls and the dusting off and moving on kind of occasion, just like before. But, just that this particular time, it looks like I am taking a while… either to get up or lie still or lay low, I haven’t a clue yet.

I might get up real quick or… we will just wait and see.