Let’s do this again

  
No one would guess that this year that I too have so many questions within. Everyone sees what they wish to see, some see the scary haunting thoughts it plagues us within when you see me and some see the fun and joy that I bring in too. 

What don’t I have? I too have these many layers bound within me, from the flesh to my seeds and the tough skin outside. Days on end I have to hold it together and not wither away just because I can. I am the picture of health, even after you scoop away my resilience and strength, because you need me to hold it together. 

You carve my body, shape your thoughts on me and I have this one chance to be the one you want me to be. To make me look ugly or nice, all you get is this one chance, you know it too. If you break me, it’s ok for you. What about me!!! 

But hey, it’s ok, I shall hold it together for you, I know it’s the fun part of what I bring in, every year. The smiles, the memories, the fun part and many such immediate ones. Keep this me and remember to make good memories for this year. When I am fine and adorn your stoop, I am the one that brings in the best few months of joyful memories, laughter and fun times. 

It’s ok for those who make me and keep me, and it’s also ok for those who don’t. Just walk by me and imagine what it could mean to you if you had me. I don’t mind being here or there, I know I am only just for a few days anyway. My purpose is to make you have memories. I know I will be long gone before you come by again. Let’s make them last while we can.

Yesterday is…

  
When you open your eyes in the morning, you don’t realise that you have no idea as how the next 24hrs will be. You plan, you decide, you expect how it should be or how it’s going to be, but, you don’t know how it will turn out to be. You can mark your daily schedules, plan meetings and make arrangements and still you can’t tell how it will be panning out. 

Some months ago, I wasn’t standing where I am now, never thought I might make it till yesterday and yet, I have. It’s not a day to day point of living like most normally think or talk about. You read about it somewhere, come across so many instances and you think, may be she could have done it different, she doesn’t have it tough enough to be thinking it’s all doom and gloom, but, just hear me out. She does have it tough. She always knew she had it tough. She just couldn’t handle the things when they were getting tough. You just didn’t know about it.

You bend, you mould, you adjust, you pick up and then you go on. My yesterday if anything to go by, was a pleasant change: it changed what I knew I was capable of, it changed what I am aware of and also what else it can be like.  I am wondering if this is how I changed all my yesterdays,  all of those difficult and not so difficult ones. I am not saying no one helped me but I stood by me too.

It’s ok if it’s not all colourful or exciting like the carnival nights at night. It’s also ok if it’s not sparking like the tiny bubbles in the champange glass or the fresh dewy morning of the day. For me, right now It’s like the small but ever blinking million stars in the sky. Some days it glows and blinks, some days it hides under the clouds. But, it still is there, ever present. That’s my kind of strength.

That’s been here all along, it was there yesterday too. I just walked on not knowing I had it. I am not sure if I picked it up or it picked me up, but, knowing I have it makes me realise that the next 24hrs can be anything it can be, I am ok for it. I will not be afraid to plan or hope about it, I will not feel sad that I wasn’t sure about it, I will just be. 

Like the leaves of yesterday that whither and fall away, let any doubts fall away. There is always a new day, a new leaf, a new start. Let yesterday be just that, yesterday. We still have today and tomorrow. 

Stumble and fall, yes and then…

IMG_9283

Many months I have been on a path that has let me go on and on. Just as aimlessly as this train of thought is, my days were just as normal, regular, weird but going on. I never waited to see if I reached my destination, or if at all I was at the designated place I was meant to be. I am standing in a place which I am not sure if many have visited or just passed by, but, I am there right now thinking, should I move on or just stay in the moment.

How many times have we come across the saying ‘be in the moment’!  Is that even really true? Could you just stay in it without any extra baggage at all. Have we really surpassed our inner and forever know it all being? I am a very complicated person, or, so my loved ones think. How complicated can I be? I am looking very hard in all directions to see if I really do confuse or confound everyone I am around it. Nah… not really, I am just plain old, funny or aggravating me. A bit of temper, a dash of laughter and a whole lot of trust. That’s all I am, maybe a bit of irritating arrogance of wanting to be there for everyone. Yes, what a load of… whatever.

I remember bits and pieces of my past self, the younger cockier and self assured self. I have, as many of you, faced a huge amount of restrictions and obstacles, I tripped, I fell, I got up and fell again. Time and time again. As we evolved, we learnt that fittest do survive or they do perish, eventually. No body bothered to say what happens to the ones that are there in between the lengthy time they take to perish, not a one. Not our parents, our teachers or our peers. Yes, they do mention in one word though, No!

No, what? No, they don’t know, No, they don’t want us to be the ones going through a pain they went through, or No, they said it to end the topic. No what…?

Life is funny in that way, it doesn’t come with a how to book, but we do what others tell us to. We are very adaptable in that way to follow the same things if we like them or do as we please because we don’t! Funny us humans. I am in the same wagon as the many scores around us are in, same thing over and over again. Today is a good day, so, let me start the day by being all this perky, optimistic person and get on with things and the days I don’t feel like it or have a clue, still run around as if I am all that and more. What is happening here?

Yes, I have tripped, I said it. Now what… Should I seek help to correct my constant tripping and move on. Okay, let me do that but before I head there, what do I do now. I am really not sure if I want to seek help just yet, I want to wait and see if things will pan out or ease out by themselves before I let the force to change this thinking.

I am not saying I don’t need help either, but, to ask for that particular assistance I haven’t yet found the need to even look up and see if anyone around me is trying or looking at me – to help me wherever I am ‘in’ now. You see, they can’t tell where I am right now, I have not shown any indication that I am down, I mean, that I have tripped at all, yet again. The moment is just like the numerous ones before, the falls and the dusting off and moving on kind of occasion, just like before. But, just that this particular time, it looks like I am taking a while… either to get up or lie still or lay low, I haven’t a clue yet.

I might get up real quick or… we will just wait and see.

2014, a tiny speck of what I think I know compared to what is out there. Thank you for sharing your time & I hope we meet again, very soon.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 220 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Happy Mother’s Day

20140511-053616.jpg

To the very being who made us
The one who gave us our smiles and wiped our tears, time and time again.
This is a day we all come together
To make you feel loved, to tell you that
You are loved

Mum, I don’t have you with me but your love is my hug that wraps around my heart and soul.
You are my beacon that I walk towards
When I stumble and fall as a mum.

Let me thank you for all the things I
Forget to tell you, Thank you
And, for the love I never even asked but got, I love you mum 💖

Journey or determination

20140425-054849.jpg

When you see the road ahead, you don’t see your destination, you don’t see the twists and turns, you just head out. This is where you know whether you could make the trip or not. There might be things along the way that could catch your eye or make you smile, but whether you stop to take a break or head along is, purely you.

Go on take that ride and see where it takes you to.

The things you think you will do or the places you visit won’t matter when you know where you are heading to. Don’t keep looking back, just head on. You are already on the road.

The memories you make on the trip along the way will be the journey, the one you made.

In the moment

I always think, I should not become too wrapped up in everyday things and forget to live, in the moment.

When the everyday alarm is set for 6am, not that I need it, my brain is working already by switching it into day light saving mode and am up by 5! Hmm. Too much thinking and not much sleeping, can’t afford to sleep when you have the responsibility of being a parent & a partner. Everyday chores need to be done, everyday things need to be accomplished and most importantly, being is – needed.

I wonder what would happen if I don’t wake up, just to be lazy and loll around in bed. Maybe, I might catch another few hours of sleep, maybe I might drift back into a dreamless sleep and wade in the pool of happiness. Nice.

Life, it needs us to live. I get up even when I don’t have to and I work on automation. Get the things organised do the things that need to be done and then, what? So many things need to be handled, done, checked and finished and after a moment of having a lukewarm cup of coffee, all I see is the film of dust on the mantelpiece. Do I drink the coffee and do the cleaning or do I do the cleaning and then drink the coffee. National crisis can be resolved in such moments rather than deliberating issues such as these.

Everyone must have does this, we all have been at this spot, some are blessed as to not to notice that junction they are in. But, not me. There is that urgency, to do things neat and tidy, quickly, correctly and be this perfect being, yeah right, I wish. Not happening, not for the lack of trying but just, not possible. Who am I kidding, I am not a robot- love to be one though.

Do I make the bed or catch a few minutes of me time on the porch trying to feel the morning dew on my toes. The birds are already singing and promising that the day is going to be beautiful, few wisps of clouds are gathering and trying to bring color the blue sky. Stop, don’t wander away with these thoughts, it’s time to get up and be.

What if I don’t have to and I am just thinking about being needed, what then? Do I still live in the moment

Beauty of us being colourful

20140323-155824.jpg

How interesting is it to see so many shades of colors in one beautiful shell. Exactly like us, we have these different shades of colors within us. Some shine exceptional well and the others just blend in to make the whole of it beautiful.

There are moments in our lives when we come across that one person who seem to have it all, entirely. We might meet them or pass them or get to know them, and we think, wow. That’s not a bad thing, they got to where they are by being what they wanted to be that is ok. We did what we could do and are where are, that’s not bad too.

But, we do know all we know. We endured, we accomplished, we experienced. It’s that which makes us unique. We might not all make it to the top, but, we do fine. Everything cannot be the same, how could that be remotely possible. Even this planet which bears us has so many different things. Plants, trees, mountains, shells… Each and every thing is different, all might not be unique or beautiful but it does exist.

We humans are so clever. We find things, we make things and we also do question things. How clever is that. We are very good at hunting and gathering, we seek. We never stop to question and find out the answers. If we like what we find then, we gift it to the world, otherwise, we spend even more time looking for answers.

It is that which makes us special, beautiful. When we walk along the beach we come across so many shells. Some are broken and some are perfect. We might pick any many of them and we do know we are not walking on the beach to collect them. We just do, we don’t always. Some moments just stay with us, when we see the sea it may remind us of the waves that crash through our thoughts or the spray that teases our skin  which may carry the tinge of saltines to kindle our senses. With all that, we linger on the shore to take it all in and then we carry it with us. Like the grains of sand that somehow finds it way back with us home.

DSC01756

This is what we know and why we know. We learn all these things with time. its the same time that taught us to be different and unique. We might not all make exceptional pieces but we do fit. Some this side of the ocean, some under the rocks and some, in our hearts. Someone, somewhere must have touched or carried one small shell. It might not be much to the shell, it is us that makes it special. Where we keep it, is up to us and just as where we are with ourselves, it’s entirely up to us.

We have what we have and we might not see ourselves, but, someone does. Doesn’t mean we are not special or unique. We are. It might take us a while to see the same picture others have of us, but it is that which makes us the best critiques too. We are not easy to please, you know why, because we are not seeing what others are seeing. It might take us a while to take it in or not, but, it does shine. Maybe not all of it shiny and bright but brilliant in every way.

Someday, on some isolated or a crowded beach, you might walk and think about nothing. You might just be passing by or heading there, in that one moment, you might stop and think nothing at all. That is what we are capable of doing. We can stop and do nothing and also do everything. We can build sand castles, gather shells or throw driftwood back into the sea, we could it all. We don’t head out with a plan, but, it doesn’t mean we can’t do it. That’s the best part about us.

Doorway to my heart

ImageBeing blessed is so easy to take for granted. I am blessed, every minute of every day. The things that I am thankful are so many, mundane or little things, yet, they are my blessings. We just get on with our day to day existence and when we do face tough times, we forget that, it is just a phase. I have had some very bad days and some not so bad days and I forget who I am and what I have.

I have the most precious of things, my life, my kids, my family – my everything. It is a strong bond. That might not be much for some but for some old souls like me, it’s everything. I am what I am! We might all be different, but each one of us have at least one string that pulls or winds them up- family. Strange isnt it? Why, I have no idea. We need them but can do without them at times. We dont have to have them, but, life gets interesting with them – in it. Hmm…

Technology has opened so many doors for us, we can breeze through some and we can freeze out some. Some are so silly and funny that we feel so superior at times to even look at them. Curious minds is what we are, cheeky and naughty too at times. Its that particular trend that is which reminds me as where I relate to all these patterns, emotions. I have done this before, with my family. I hate some, love some and absolutely adore some… This feeling, this reaction of my brain connecting to the nether regions of my heart is not something I can explain or put into words. Its very disturbing to say the very least.

What does that say about me, I like this or I don’t, do I enjoy this or not, do I want it…maybe. It is not a puzzle, just a pondering question, maybe for a minute at best. We are so good at this- questioning, checking, doubting, clarifying and Googling – dont forget Googling.

There is a very Indian (the dot kind)belief that, there is a recreation for every creation. “Shristi ki prathi Shristi” There is a remote small hamlet where there is a Yogi’s ashram/school of a learned scholar called Vemmanna. Now, this is a Telugu saint/Yogi (one of the many languages of my beautiful India). This saint’s learning is still being spread across to the many people living in and around that region. My mum did not go to school- she found it boring and tedious. But, she is the most learned and knowledgeable lady I have ever known in my life. Yes, my world is as small as it seems to you now, but, hey – it’s was mine. She kept repeating this mantra day in day out and, top this- she used to yak away, “one day, when you have kids, you will understand”. I had this look on my face :O  

,that’s is. By then, I was the most knowledgeable lady of my knowing- huh, go figure.

Now, I get it, I really do!

They hold the key to my everything, my sanity, my insanity, my clarity… My kids.

Its their being that is my blessing. I can do this, I am getting good at this, you know. I so very gracefully fall flat on my face at times, but, who cares, I don’t! They will be my stars, my blessing – the ones I am thankful and blessed for that alone most of all. Doorways are so tricky, doors which say open this way or close that way, but, they are there for us to enter or exit. I do fine either way ^_^

 

What good does arguing do…no really

Well there are times I just want to yank every bit of my hair, rip it all out, over and over and again. Why do kids grow up at all. There are so angelic and happy when they are little. That phase I love! Wish they stay that small. Kids are getting smarter nowadays, have you noticed. They have the cheek to talk back, sorry, correct us and tell us what we should be doing. Of all the cheek.

If I ever did what they do now, oh my, off with my head. Being well behaved and well mannered was scrubbed into our brain cells, never talk back, don’t be rude, don’t be disrespectful…Well, we survived that upbringing and we enter into the new era of our kids telling us the same. Hello, am I missing something. What universe am I in?

Breathing helps, in and out. When they look at you with those eyes, as if we humiliated them and are not worthy of their association. They forget we are parents and we have a way about us to do the right thing by them. Yes, they don’t like where this is going, but, its really hard keeping it all in. Just breathe, in and out.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not a whinge fest where I go on and on about how bad my kids are. Well, they are not. Its just that we live in a era where everyone has an opinion and mine is looked as unconventional and not cool. Cool or not, I am a parent. I do not have to be cool as long as they get it into their heads, that they are important and above all what they do is also very important.

My mum had this rule (well, every mum did) that whatever I do, it will come back to her. She would say, I don’t want people to say your mum did not bring you up right. That was my yard stick, my rule book. My cooking, my dress sense, my manners and everything I did, I had to think over a few hundred times, will mum come to know about it. It was as if she was eternally watching me. My mum passed away 10 years ago and I still look over my shoulder. Old habits die hard. But, the point is, I know what I am doing is nothing wrong or so dramatic or life threatening, but still, I am cautious. Respect, that’s it.

I feel like I should slam the door at time, the frustration, the anger is over whelming that I get worried. I am not a teenager, but guess who is driven to behaving like one. Yes, yes, its just a phase and by the looks of it, I am heading towards a phase of run away from home, if I need to be sane. Its everything now and right now for them. No – it just cant be. There are rules and lines that need to be followed.

Latest studies show that the Gen-Y is lost and clueless as what they want to be, instead of the heroes they are meant to be. I hope by the time my youngest becomes a teen (in another 2 years) my oldest would give me the mental support I need to tackle the next battle. My husband says, he can never win a battle of words with me. I wonder if he ever sees me arguing with my daughter. I lose all the time, I walk out,  I sulk, I get frustrated arrgh… Yet, I never let on that I need his help, you know why, because guess who will run first. I am going to win this emotional war, even if I lose, its all worth it. These poignant moments is what I wait for, to realise that what good does it really do… arguing!

Image